There is a Season

"To everything [there is] a season, A time for every purpose under heaven" Ecclesiates. 3:1

It seems like forever since I've been here to write. I have been walking through a season that has completely turned me upside down. I thought I had faced the roughest roads in my life; I thought I was going to be able to coast for a little longer. I thought I had finally gotten to a place in my life where all the dreams I had laid at God's feet were coming to light. I was wrong. I thought I was crossing the Jordan into the promise land ... perhaps I have, but I still must slay the giants ... face those things in my life that keep me from truly experiencing my land of milk and honey.

I have a been walking in a sea of hurt, unanswered questions, all the while slowly backing away from the one thing that is sure, certain and peaceful in my life. Joy has all but vanished. In the midst of my circumstances - the unlovely ones - I have set God on a shelf and tried to fix them myself. Where has my faith gone?

I trusted in the wrong things, I put my faith in temporal, earthly things, and my heart has suffered the greatest blows. We are not to trust man - we are to trust only God. We are not to make idols of people or things, we are to set our hearts, minds, our very lives on our Creator, our Savior, the Lover of our Souls. My flesh cried out ... I gave it place and answered it's call. My mind turned to myself; and in my selfishness, I have allowed my life to fly into a tailspin ... I have no control; and without God, I have no hope.

I put my faith not only in my own flesh, but in others. I turned from giving everything to the Lord knowing in His capable hands all was done, to expecting others to fill my heart and love me as I desired. I let myself fall prey to the enemies schemes, as those closest in my life took the form as my adversaries. The Bible says in Ephesians 6:12 - For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual [hosts] of wickedness in the heavenly [places]. I forgot those words.

Now the hard work begins. Now I must lay bare all of my sin, my sorrow, my pain. Now I must allow Jesus to walk me through the darkness of who I am in the flesh and renew my spirit, my life in Him. I must face my insecurity and selfishness. Now I must learn to take every thought captive; to shake off my own desires and seek God's will for every moment of my life. I must learn to die to my flesh daily and take up the cross of Christ. I must make my relationship with Jesus the most important, most valuable and most desirable in my life.

I do not walk this time alone. In fact, I have never been alone. But in the deepest, loneliest of times, I could not feel Him there. I cried out and all the while He was answering ... I was not listening, I did not hear. The truth is, it is still difficult for me to feel His presence. The truth is that at this very moment I am not so sure I can make it; I am not so sure I want to go on. That is the most honest truth I can offer right now. I feel defeated, beat up, so weary I want to give up. I want to throw in the towel, run far away, curl up in a ball and go to sleep. I want to stop feeling this hurt and stop hurting those I love. I want a knight in shining armor to ride up on his horse and carry me off to paradise.

But God! His word says He never leaves us nor forsakes us. In the depths of my despair and loneliness, He is with me. It is that tiny thread of promise, that pin-prick ray of hope that has me hanging by the tips of my fingers on the ledge of the cliff knowing I must give in. I know He is calling me to let go. I know he is beckoning me to surrender it all to Him. I know He is there prying up my fingers one by one until I fall headlong into His arms. My heart wonders "what if He doesn't catch me?" My spirit knows He is standing with open arms awaiting my arrival .... as long as it takes me ... He is there.

My Precious Daughter,

Come rest in My arms, come lay your weary head on My chest. I love you. I have not left you. 

You are beautiful, cherished, the apple of My eye. I love you, Joan. Not like a man's love. I love you perfectly  - in every way, just as you are. Yet, I love you so much that I will not allow you to stay this way. No, beloved, My hand is moving to grow and change you - from Glory to Glory! 

I am pulling you once again from out of the pit. I will not let you slip from My hand. My grip is strong. My heart is loving. My correction is gentle and true. Do not long for the things of this world, but set your mind on eternal things. Set your mind on Me. Come along with Me. I will help you. I will turn your heart from the desires of  your flesh, to the desires of the Kingdom. I will lead you from the darkness, confusion and lost direction back onto My path of righteousness. I will make a way through this desert of sorrow and pain and shepherd you into My oasis, My respite, My garden. Come away with Me and rest in My arms of love. I will not fail, forsake, nor leave you barren. I will water you and cause you to bear great fruit.

My love is steadfast and unfailing. My plans for  you are perfect. Come rest in Me, beloved. I want you near Me always. You are mine and I am yours.

I love you.