Loneliness

Loneliness, I have never in my life felt loneliness like this before. I have never had so much alone time - all by myself time - so consistently before. I didn't sign up for this, yet this is where my life has taken me at this moment in time.

Please don't get me wrong, I have many friends in my new home town. It is a quaint, beautiful small Northern California town, prolific with rolling vineyards and cherry orchards. It is peaceful and friendly. It is full of great friends and places to go. I dreamed many times of living in a town like this, but I had my family and I had my old friends in my dream.

Two years ago, I left behind the area in which I had lived all of my life. I quit a great job and followed the man of my dreams, my husband, to the job of his dreams in Northern California. It was scary, but we had each other and our dogs. Now, two years later, I find myself in a situation that is beyond my control and throwing me into a "season" that has become very difficult. I still have one of my dogs (Sherman passed away a few months ago) and my husband, whom I love with all my heart. But, his dream job has taken him away several days every week with his crew, and so here I am.

This sounds so juvenile if one reads it without knowing everything. In the midst of this time, I have been dealing with another issue that plagues me more than it should. Being alone shouldn't unnerve a person like it has done to me. In fact, I know women who love being alone. But, there's more ... there's always more ... than meets the eye.

God is in the midst of this. He has graciously spoken to me each day. He professes His unconditional love for me, chides me gently when I need it, and reminds me that nothing is greater and more satisfying that my relationship with Him. He continually repeats that flesh will fail me every time, but His love is perfect and everlasting. He is right, yet I still battle with the loneliness.

I have a long way to go. The Lord is always faithful, though. I know He is here and He has not left my side. I know He is aching for me to let the loneliness go and desire only Him. That is what I want. That is what I strive for. Oh, that He would snap His fingers and change my heart. But, He is using this time to put me through the refiners fire, clean out the impurities, scrape off the dross to find His reflection in me.

Still the loneliness ...


My Precious Daughter,

I love you. I always love you. Do not put your trust,  your hope, your dreams into the flesh, loved one. Even your dear friends cannot fulfill My role in your life.

I know you are confused about your purpose, your current circumstances, a job, a ministry. I know you are down-trodden and feel abandoned - even by Me. But, that is not the case. I am here. In fact, I have every answer to every question. Dear one, if you do not ask - if you do not seek My face daily - how will you hear My voice? How will I be able to answer you?

Your prayers do not go unheeded. Your heart's cry does not get muffled in My kingdom. Every tear you shed is collected. Every prayer you pray is saved. Beloved, you come to Me in your convenience, But I am availiable at all hours. You  heed the voice of the enemy and your flesh, yet you fail to give it all to Me. You fail to seek My guidance, My answers, My peace.

Beloved daughter, you must learn to seek My face, listen for My voice in everything. The thoughts, the angst, the brokeness you experience - all must be laid on My alter. You cannot expect things to change in your life if you are not submitting everything -  all of it - to Me.

Precious child, I am for you. If I am for you, then what can possibly come against you of consequence. Take all of it  - ALL OF IT - and bring it to Me. In the night, during the day - even now. Let it go! I can handle all of this. My Word says "My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

I have not forsaken you, precious one, but I am a gentleman and I do not intrude where I am not asked. I am yearning for you to call on Me - but I will not barge in if I am not invited. I want you to depend on Me in every moment. I give you each breath, return each one to Me. I give you each day, lay each day at My feet. I gave you life, place your life in My hands. I will never let you down, I will never fail you.

Now, beloved, grab My  hand and let's run through this time of anguish. Hold fast to My promises and we can sail together on peaceful seas. Put your faith in My promises and watch your joy grow to overflowing. Throw away your old ideas strategies and habits and let Me create a new and better life in you.

Don't let this decaying and dying world have its way with you. Don't let fallible, unrighteous flesh consume your soul. Come away with Me and find peace and victory, beloved. Shake off your worry, pain and distrust and place your hope in Me. For all is well in My presence, and there you will find your rest.

I love you.


Rom. 8:31 - What then shall we say to these things? If God [is] for us, who [can be] against us?

Matt. 11:30 - "For My yoke [is] easy and My burden is light."

There is a Season

"To everything [there is] a season, A time for every purpose under heaven" Ecclesiates. 3:1

It seems like forever since I've been here to write. I have been walking through a season that has completely turned me upside down. I thought I had faced the roughest roads in my life; I thought I was going to be able to coast for a little longer. I thought I had finally gotten to a place in my life where all the dreams I had laid at God's feet were coming to light. I was wrong. I thought I was crossing the Jordan into the promise land ... perhaps I have, but I still must slay the giants ... face those things in my life that keep me from truly experiencing my land of milk and honey.

I have a been walking in a sea of hurt, unanswered questions, all the while slowly backing away from the one thing that is sure, certain and peaceful in my life. Joy has all but vanished. In the midst of my circumstances - the unlovely ones - I have set God on a shelf and tried to fix them myself. Where has my faith gone?

I trusted in the wrong things, I put my faith in temporal, earthly things, and my heart has suffered the greatest blows. We are not to trust man - we are to trust only God. We are not to make idols of people or things, we are to set our hearts, minds, our very lives on our Creator, our Savior, the Lover of our Souls. My flesh cried out ... I gave it place and answered it's call. My mind turned to myself; and in my selfishness, I have allowed my life to fly into a tailspin ... I have no control; and without God, I have no hope.

I put my faith not only in my own flesh, but in others. I turned from giving everything to the Lord knowing in His capable hands all was done, to expecting others to fill my heart and love me as I desired. I let myself fall prey to the enemies schemes, as those closest in my life took the form as my adversaries. The Bible says in Ephesians 6:12 - For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual [hosts] of wickedness in the heavenly [places]. I forgot those words.

Now the hard work begins. Now I must lay bare all of my sin, my sorrow, my pain. Now I must allow Jesus to walk me through the darkness of who I am in the flesh and renew my spirit, my life in Him. I must face my insecurity and selfishness. Now I must learn to take every thought captive; to shake off my own desires and seek God's will for every moment of my life. I must learn to die to my flesh daily and take up the cross of Christ. I must make my relationship with Jesus the most important, most valuable and most desirable in my life.

I do not walk this time alone. In fact, I have never been alone. But in the deepest, loneliest of times, I could not feel Him there. I cried out and all the while He was answering ... I was not listening, I did not hear. The truth is, it is still difficult for me to feel His presence. The truth is that at this very moment I am not so sure I can make it; I am not so sure I want to go on. That is the most honest truth I can offer right now. I feel defeated, beat up, so weary I want to give up. I want to throw in the towel, run far away, curl up in a ball and go to sleep. I want to stop feeling this hurt and stop hurting those I love. I want a knight in shining armor to ride up on his horse and carry me off to paradise.

But God! His word says He never leaves us nor forsakes us. In the depths of my despair and loneliness, He is with me. It is that tiny thread of promise, that pin-prick ray of hope that has me hanging by the tips of my fingers on the ledge of the cliff knowing I must give in. I know He is calling me to let go. I know he is beckoning me to surrender it all to Him. I know He is there prying up my fingers one by one until I fall headlong into His arms. My heart wonders "what if He doesn't catch me?" My spirit knows He is standing with open arms awaiting my arrival .... as long as it takes me ... He is there.

My Precious Daughter,

Come rest in My arms, come lay your weary head on My chest. I love you. I have not left you. 

You are beautiful, cherished, the apple of My eye. I love you, Joan. Not like a man's love. I love you perfectly  - in every way, just as you are. Yet, I love you so much that I will not allow you to stay this way. No, beloved, My hand is moving to grow and change you - from Glory to Glory! 

I am pulling you once again from out of the pit. I will not let you slip from My hand. My grip is strong. My heart is loving. My correction is gentle and true. Do not long for the things of this world, but set your mind on eternal things. Set your mind on Me. Come along with Me. I will help you. I will turn your heart from the desires of  your flesh, to the desires of the Kingdom. I will lead you from the darkness, confusion and lost direction back onto My path of righteousness. I will make a way through this desert of sorrow and pain and shepherd you into My oasis, My respite, My garden. Come away with Me and rest in My arms of love. I will not fail, forsake, nor leave you barren. I will water you and cause you to bear great fruit.

My love is steadfast and unfailing. My plans for  you are perfect. Come rest in Me, beloved. I want you near Me always. You are mine and I am yours.

I love you.